Pain is real and it exists. The reality of struggle is strong enough and so I suffer in silence. To cope with my own mind, my old sin, my old memory, my darkness . . . are very hard and dreadful.
The steep in my life, the dismay of my heart, the violent toward myself and all the black memories that I get through . . . make me want to rise up become the self that I proud of.
I scrutinize things happens in my life, I noticed many kinds of problems I face and somehow I can't think properly whether it is right to do or wrong. And sometimes, I fall into the deep of darkness. There is when everything happens at once, and I regret badly.
I exasperate toward my old self when I recall back, what I had been doing all those years. Just one word, Worst.
A portent from the one that I love the most, I listen, I take what I should take, but I started to forget it easily and . . . ignored. That portent is the likelihood of something bad will happen. And it happened. Hauling myself toward the hole of a bad dream, no, the hole of sin, is a very worse thing I ever did to myself.
No intention to talk about my past. It is a preposterous action plus embarrassing moment. Okay. During that time, most of the time I was forced to do things against my willingness. Do you feel what I feel ?
Also, I baffle my own self. Questioning myself,
'Do I need to do this ?'
'If yes, why ?'
'Why should I ?'
'And why me ?'
'If I do this, does something bad will happen ?'
'Does the bad will effect my future ?'
'Does this thing will change me or my future ?'
'What will my parent say, think ?'
'What happen if I decline it ?'
'Why do I need to obey you ?'
But, half of the question I asked myself after I do it. Then I regret badly, asking myself why didn't I think carefully before I do it ?
I gain awareness after a really bad thing happened. The stupidest of myself at that time was at the highest level or infinity. Yeah, I'm the one who will face the worst thing happen first, after that I will regret. Foolishness detected. I admit, that was me.
So I decided to disengage my-worst-self from it. I beseech Allah, for the sin I have made, may Allah forgive me. May Allah bless me and help me to change because of my effort to revamp myself into a new version of Alia.
People will ask, why now ? why not before the bad thing started to happen ? Answer : I don't have self-esteem and confidence.
Only one thing I want to say related to my past; One minuscule thing will lead to the huge problem/problems. So think carefully before you do.
So, come to the conclusion after a long way. That's the thing about this life. It never gives us only one kind of path. In order to get the variety of the path, you need to create it. Find a way to get through it, find yourself back. You loss your old-self, find it back and create a new one. You can do it because I can. Why not, right ?
There is pain. And also loss. Yes. When it is pain, you always loss something. Even a small one. And even darkness. Pain, loss, darkness. It is interrelated. But, there is also light. Then there is hope. Oh yes, about hope, don't hope but observe yourself.
Light, hope and there is the beauty of life.
No intention to talk about my past. It is a preposterous action plus embarrassing moment. Okay. During that time, most of the time I was forced to do things against my willingness. Do you feel what I feel ?
Also, I baffle my own self. Questioning myself,
'Do I need to do this ?'
'If yes, why ?'
'Why should I ?'
'And why me ?'
'If I do this, does something bad will happen ?'
'Does the bad will effect my future ?'
'Does this thing will change me or my future ?'
'What will my parent say, think ?'
'What happen if I decline it ?'
'Why do I need to obey you ?'
But, half of the question I asked myself after I do it. Then I regret badly, asking myself why didn't I think carefully before I do it ?
I gain awareness after a really bad thing happened. The stupidest of myself at that time was at the highest level or infinity. Yeah, I'm the one who will face the worst thing happen first, after that I will regret. Foolishness detected. I admit, that was me.
So I decided to disengage my-worst-self from it. I beseech Allah, for the sin I have made, may Allah forgive me. May Allah bless me and help me to change because of my effort to revamp myself into a new version of Alia.
People will ask, why now ? why not before the bad thing started to happen ? Answer : I don't have self-esteem and confidence.
Only one thing I want to say related to my past; One minuscule thing will lead to the huge problem/problems. So think carefully before you do.
So, come to the conclusion after a long way. That's the thing about this life. It never gives us only one kind of path. In order to get the variety of the path, you need to create it. Find a way to get through it, find yourself back. You loss your old-self, find it back and create a new one. You can do it because I can. Why not, right ?
There is pain. And also loss. Yes. When it is pain, you always loss something. Even a small one. And even darkness. Pain, loss, darkness. It is interrelated. But, there is also light. Then there is hope. Oh yes, about hope, don't hope but observe yourself.
Light, hope and there is the beauty of life.